You made it sound ugly, and something that we should abhor.

And maybe you’re right. Maybe deep down, that is how I was acting like. We were acting like a married couple, and pardon me for forgetting, but we’re not. That’s a long way from where we are now; even farther after all those things you said yesterday.

I know you didn’t mean for it to hurt, you probably also didn’t mean to make it sound like that—inconceivable. But somehow, it strikes me. I can’t get it out of my head, of my system. The words kept replaying over and over. And I can’t even begin to describe how it makes me feel every single time I repeat it in my head.

You called me that yesterday… and I suddenly stopped wanting to be that person for you.

It feels like only yesterday when I decided it’s about time for me to fall (in love) again, and it also feels like yesterday when we were having some of the worst moments of our relationship.

I don’t know how we got here but somehow, here we are… almost one year and a half, and I still believe that FOREVER is what we actually have.

You are the dash to my years,

the in-between to my beginning and my end,

the journey to my here and my there.

I would have wanted to just let go. So scary. So risky. But looking at you, driving that long road in front of us… I couldn’t think of a better man to spend the future with.

I am always wondering how different life would have been if I did not wait for you in that stairwell, if you had been too drunk to go to the outing, if I we did not begin chatting, if we weren’t so careless we decided to look first before taking a leap.

But I guess, like many things in my life, I cannot go back nor can I move forward and leave these all behind… or atleast, what remains of my broken, battered heart.

In the deepest, most obscure part of my heart, I am half-wishing half-begging for a sign, for a leap of faith, for some incandescent hope to tell me I belong here… to tell me that I belong with you.

I wanted to shout at you at times… for all the pain and the tears. And yet at just about the same time I want to clobber your head with a hammer, I also want to hug you and own you even for an infinitesimal moment in time. I want to feel, for even a fraction of a second, that we belong with each other, and that this is our time, our moment.

At times like this, I want to kneel in front of you, seize the hems of your pants and beg you to take the pain away, to vanquish the fears, to curb that irresistible urge to walk away.

I want you to ask me to stay.

And yet in my heart, and in my soul, I know we are much too alike to keep this, to nurture it, to make it happen.

And that knowledge, that inconceivable, deplorable thought is the poison that kills me at night.

Fuck it. I bet he wouldn’t even manage to write half of the stories I contribute to The Times. Shit. I’m not even “under” him. Damn.

Magsama-sama sila ng mga “kasama” niyang maldita at mga walang silbi sa company.

Anyway, had a good dinner and talkathon with Dro today. Atleast after almost three weeks of nonstop fighting, we managed NOT to argue on every single issue. And surprisingly, I think he missed me more than I missed him. Shock. Shock. This is actually one of the first time he was so adamant about meeting me. And you know he’s telling the truth when he texts you like this, “I missed you hehe..” May “shy” factor kung baga.

I gave him the shirt I got from Macau (which I told him I bought from Chinatown lol~), the almond cookies and the heart-shaped ashtray from Fisherman’s Wharf (he’ll be giving to Tito Danny, his dad).

I was actually super tired and sleepy earlier when he texted me for a meet-up. But it was never easy for me to reschedule Dro since he’s not always available naman. So whenever he has time for me, I make myself available (kahit hindi naman talaga hehe ^_^).

Anyway, I haven’t finished my blogs for the day. Too lazy to start on it now so maybe I’ll have to wake up a little earlier tomorrow to meet my deadline. Sigh.

As expected, we managed to stuff ourselves of coffee and pasta before boarding our evening flight to Macau. <-- Pesto Pasta from Seattle's (Php160)

My food Carbonara from Seattle's (Php160)

First breakfast at Macau c/o Masters Hotel. I never, ever eat runny eggs but because it would be very difficult for me to be "maarte" in Macau and demand for my eggs to be well done, I just refused to eat it. *Macanese are not very good English speakers. You have to really exert an effort for them to understand English.

Our lunch at Nagoyaka Tei in Fisherman's Wharf near the Outer Harbor. Hot Udon (they can serve it cold) and Tempura ($45).

Chicken wings ($30)

We had our merienda at Cafe on Four in Macau Tower. Wondering about the name of the cafe? It's located at the fourth floor. Lol~ yeah I know. Not much ingenuity on there. This is actually their pizza ($15) Yep, they use wheat bread.

Blueberry Cheesecake from Cafe on Four Although it does not look like your usual cheesecake with syrup pouring from all sides, this is actually good, to say the least. ($20)

Iced Cafe Mocha (unsweetened haha!) ($18) By the way, overlooking the window on our right is the Nam Van Lake and the Friendship Bridge connecting Macau City, Taipa and Coloane.

Dinner at Fat Siu Lau. It actually is a Portuguese restaurant with a dingy exterior (since it's located in a small alley on Rua de Felicidade) but a classy interior. The waiter who served us is Filipino My dinner: chicken fillet with onions, etc on top ($85).

Kristia's dinner.. Spicy spicy.. African Hot Chicken ($136).

Did not manage to get the name of this sidestreet restau.. and don't even ask about the food (can't spell, speak or understand it). We only ordered by pointing the pictures on the menu. But in the interest of sounding intellectual, this one's noodle beef brisket. Kristia's lunch ($20).

Spring roll and boiled eggs (na lasang "penoy") ($15)

Noodles with Squid balls (obvious) ($15) We also had lemon water and coke for our drinks. By the way, they actually put ginger on their colas (weird).

Our merienda-slash-dinner: noodles with maling and, yes, that's fried egg. ($15) Unfortunately, didn't manage to get the name of the restau. Was too hungry at that time.

Suffice is to say, we didn’t enjoy our food mega boo~~ we spent more than what we squandered on Bubba Gump (and that, we actually went gaga over).

*All prices are in Macanese Patacas (MOP$ 1 = Php6.23)

*Off to SM now to buy Mario’s shampoo. My baby hasn’t had his bath for over a week now.*

It’s not that I don’t have anything to do. Right now, I still have five more articles to write for Red, and a Comelec story I am refusing to do for Times. But I neither have the willpower nor the energy to get my hands off from writing this blog to actually working on something that my boss is probably waiting for. I am now even confusing my sentences. A run-on, Carillo would probably tell me.

So as Titanic hums in the background and I’m chatting with Kristia about where we should go for dinner, I am also aimlessly trying to decipher where the next following “days” would lead me. Mind you, it’s not that I don’t know where I’ll be. Kristia and I will be going to Macau on Saturday night. And although I’m kind of excited about it, there’s really nothing left for us to do anymore but wait for our adventure to start.

Now, here we are… both bored out of our wits. With time on our hands, you think we can find something to occupy our lives with. But no… we have always been like this–goalless, spontaneous and generally bored and impatient with everything.

I wonder if I was born to be like this–always floating. In a few more years I’ll be in a period of my life where I cannot escape responsibilities anymore. And isn’t that what I have been doing for the better part of my life? Trying to escape the things I should be facing.

Maybe Kristia and I met for the purpose of mirroring each other. I sometimes see myself in her–pulling hairs, staring at her PC monitor–and I wonder if we can actually take ourselves anywhere with what we’re doing.